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The article presents multiple fictional crime reports mirroring the plot lines of classical literary works. Details are given highlighting the series of reports published by a college professor in order to highlight the connections of violence with story-lines in the literary canon. Examples include the Greek mythological hero of Achilles depicted as a rogue mass-murder on the loose, the characters of Don Quixote and Sancho Panza under investigation for property damage of a country farm, and the crime report of the opening scene from "The Great Gatsby," by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The article presents a piece of satire in the form of a fictitious advice column offering a chronically happy person a list of reasons from throughout the history of philosophy why not to be happy.

A list of fictitious errata is presented regarding universities and colleges in the United States. Entries include Homer Simpson not attending Springfield College, Yale's millionaire students, and a branch of Texas A&M University in Baghdad.

A quiz related to Constitution Day in the U.S. is presented.

The article looks at how Lucifer College in Minnesota plans to handle the drinking of alcoholic beverages among college students at their campus. According to Lucifer, they will be trying to make binge drinking unfashionable and suppress alcohol consumption on campus by getting the faculty involved. Courses such as "The Biochemistry of Booze" and "Drinking and the Poetic Muse," which include a mandatory drinking component, have been added to the curriculum. In addition, the school will hold a lecture series titled "The Great Beers."

The article presents a question and answer related to ethics in academia. An author writes to ask whether he had been wrong to turn down a prize offered to his book by Hebrew University in Jerusalem, Israel, as he did not want to affiliate himself with Zionism and thereby imperil his chances of being published in the periodical "London Review of Books." He is sardonically informed that he was.

A letter to the editor is presented in response to the article "A Pop Quiz for Constitution Day," by Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George, in the September 15, 2006 issue.

This article presents several humorous personals from the authors. The section also presents a cartoon based on the theme of how to write a curriculum vitae properly. One of the advertisements reads that a desperate, lowly adjunct, who is contemplating career change, seeks skilled man with tools to teach him how to screw, plane, and hammer properly. Another advertisement holds that several young TA's are just waiting to offer their services. Professional, discreet, and energetic, these TAs will provide release from one's grading pressures.

Presents an excerpt from the book "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Graduate Students."

Presents an article on the experiences of two academics in trade publishing. Reaction on the decision of the publisher not to advertise their book "Sense and Nonsensibility"; Trade secrets with regard to selling books; Ranking received by the book.

Provides information on the Affected Accent Summer Camp (AASC) which offers seminars about learning foreign accent for professors and graduate students in the U.S. Goals of the program; Language seminars offered by AASC; Remarks from several educators regarding the seminar.

Presents an imaginary meeting about graduate students in the United States which details their experiences, trials and challenges before acquiring their graduate degrees.

Provides information on activities of former college and graduate students who were classmates. Activities of yoga practitioner Sam Riglitz; Terrorist activities of Asher Bemelman; Reason for the imprisonment of Harold Moss.

Presents a reader's letter which deals with treating post-tenure depression in college teachers.

Reports on the plan of the University of California to abandon the scholastic aptitude test (SAT) as a basis for admission. Common charge against the reading-comprehension questions on the SAT; Significance of SAT.

Addresses several problems of college professors in the U.S. Dispute arising from a gift that a college would be receiving from a wealthy alumnus; Issue on a troublesome profile associated with the early-decision program of a university; Tenure of a junior professor of political science at the Southern state university.

Offers tips for college professors on how to gain tenure. Importance of using great care in deciding which committees to join; Relationship with senior colleagues; Need to learn how to read colleagues' evaluations; Necessity of avoiding conflicts of interest.

Offers an excerpt from the authors' book `Teaching to Win,' a guide for teachers. Suggestions for attitude, dress, presentation, reading and grading.

Offers observations on mergers within the publishing industry. Efforts of publishing houses to downsize their book lists and attract new readers; Humorous suggestions for a book series featuring reworked classics; `The Old Man and the Flea: `Thatcher in the Rye'; `Madame Gatsby'; Others.

Offers the authors' opinion on why Tina Brown, former editor of `The New Yorker,' aroused antipathy among academics. Her change of the magazines style and tone away from writing to focus on film, television and fashion; Charges of Anglophilism and celebrity obsession; Academics fear of American focus away from challenge toward entertainment.

Presents a fictional, humorous online chat room conversation about vocabulary used in cyberspace.

Presents a humorous view of tenure requirements in colleges and universities in the United States.

Opinion. Challenges the hypothesis that the poem, `A Funerall Elegie,' was written by William Shakespeare. The discovery of the poem in 1983; Why it was thought that Shakespeare wrote the poem; Analysis done to determine authorship.

Comments on the announcement by a United States Congressional commission that the United States Consumer Price Index should be readjusted in light of the finding that the index has over-estimated the rate of inflation during the last quarter century. Outrageous examples of other constants in the universe that could be adjusted to make things seem better than they are.

Presents part of a discussion with artist Timothy Inca-Munch. Why he is a controversial figure; Why the artist thinks of himself as an omnist; What his view of the aesthetic is; The contemporary influences on his art; His commentary on some of his art pieces; How he handles critics and criticism.

Opinion. Asserts that the solution to the computer dating problem in the year 2000 is to just go with it and start over. The reasons for taking advantage of a fresh start in the United States.