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Until recently, discussion of the criteria relevant to studying civilising processes focused mainly on the balance of controls (that is, between Fremdzwänge and Selbstzwänge). This paper starts by focusing on the ‘triad of controls’, a concept that Elias presents as one of the ‘criteria of social development’. It refers to ‘three fundamental controls of people in society – the control of humans over extra-human natural events, the control of people over each other, and the control of each person over him or herself.’ This triad has not received the acclaim it deserves, and it is brought to life only in the work of Johan Goudsblom. The paper shows and discusses how Elias himself presented the triad of controls in his work. It differentiates the triad by distinguishing seven different yet interconnected balances – the balances of competition and cooperation, power and control, formalisation and informalisation, the we–I balance, the balance of involvement and detachment, and the lust-balance. They are presented as universally applicable guidelines for analysing social and psychic processes. Together, the triad of control and the seven balances offer a research manual and summarise the theory of civilising processes as a ‘workable synthesis’

Until recently, discussion of the criteria relevant to studying civilising processes focused mainly on the balance of controls (that is, between Fremdzwänge and Selbstzwänge). This paper starts by focusing on the ‘triad of controls’, a concept that Elias presents as one of the ‘criteria of social development’. It refers to ‘three fundamental controls of people in society – the control of humans over extra-human natural events, the control of people over each other, and the control of each person over him or herself.’ This triad has not received the acclaim it deserves, and it is brought to life only in the work of Johan Goudsblom. The paper shows and discusses how Elias himself presented the triad of controls in his work. It differentiates the triad by distinguishing seven different yet interconnected balances – the balances of competition and cooperation, power and control, formalisation and informalisation, the we–I balance, the balance of involvement and detachment, and the lust-balance. They are presented as universally applicable guidelines for analysing social and psychic processes. Together, the triad of control and the seven balances offer a research manual and summarise the theory of civilising processes as a ‘workable synthesis’

The oneliner ‘No sex under my roof’ is used to reinforce the rule of premarital abstinence of sexuality until teenage children marry or move from home. In the USA, most parents still stick to this norm, whereas in the Netherlands since the late 1960s, a new rule developed, allowing teenage children to have sex, provided they ‘feel strongly for each other’ and feel ‘ready’ for it. This paper describes and compares developments in the USA and in the Netherlands since the 1880s, focusing on the social regulation of teenage sexuality, and based mainly upon such sources as reference books and sexology studies. The paper proposes an explanation of the two trajectories from national differences in the functioning of good societies, particularly in the regulation of social competition and social mobility.The rise in the USA of a highly competitive dating system and a complicated sexual morality indicates a smaller decline of power differences between classes, genders and generations, which partly explains the persistence of the old rule. Further explanation is found in America’s lower level of social integration and more open competition between various centres of power and good societies.The build up to the rise of a new rule among Dutch parents was an informalization of ‘getting engaged’, the diffusion of verkering (going steady) and of parental policies to stay ‘in the scene’, indicating higher levels of social integration and larger declines of power differences between classes, genders and generations. Yet, the long preservation of a homogeneous good society created a widening gap between a facade of decency and backstage realities. When this gap was washed away in the 1960s Expressive and Sexual Revolutions, it also washed away the old rule, and increasing numbers of parents allowed their teenagers openly to have sex, even at home. The oneliner ‘No sex under my roof’ is used to reinforce the rule of premarital abstinence of sexuality until teenage children marry or move from home. In the USA, most parents still stick to this norm, whereas in the Netherlands since the late 1960s, a new rule developed, allowing teenage children to have sex, provided they ‘feel strongly for each other’ and feel ‘ready’ for it. This paper describes and compares developments in the USA and in the Netherlands since the 1880s, focusing on the social regulation of teenage sexuality, and based mainly upon such sources as reference books and sexology studies. The paper proposes an explanation of the two trajectories from national differences in the functioning of good societies, particularly in the regulation of social competition and social mobility.The rise in the USA of a highly competitive dating system and a complicated sexual morality indicates a smaller decline of power differences between classes, genders and generations, which partly explains the persistence of the old rule. Further explanation is found in America’s lower level of social integration and more open competition between various centres of power and good societies.The build up to the rise of a new rule among Dutch parents was an informalization of ‘getting engaged’, the diffusion of verkering (going steady) and of parental policies to stay ‘in the scene’, indicating higher levels of social integration and larger declines of power differences between classes, genders and generations. Yet, the long preservation of a homogeneous good society created a widening gap between a facade of decency and backstage realities. When this gap was washed away in the 1960s Expressive and Sexual Revolutions, it also washed away the old rule, and increasing numbers of parents allowed their teenagers openly to have sex, even at home.

Cette étude a pour but de comparer l’évolution du processus sociologique des bonnes sociétés néerlandaises et américaines depuis les années 1880, alors que les usages pour faire la cour étaient encore sous le contrôle strict des parents. Elle décrit de quelle manière le système de rendez-vous aux États-Unis, celui du verkering aux Pays-Bas (un « engagement » informel analogue à celui de « sortir ensemble »), ainsi que la propagation de nouvelles directives parentales pour « rester dans le coup », permirent aux jeunes de s’émanciper de la domination de leurs parents. Lorsqu’entre 1945 et 1965, le concept de « sortir ensemble » prit de l’importance aux États-Unis, les trajectoires de ces deux pays convergèrent. Il fut cependant à noter qu’après la révolution sexuelle, le traditionnel tabou du sexe avant le mariage redevint prédominant aux États-Unis alors qu’il diminua drastiquement aux Pays-Bas lorsque les parents néerlandais autorisèrent de plus en plus leurs adolescents à avoir des relations sexuelles, même sous leur toit. En s’appuyant sur les recherches en sexologie, mais aussi sur l’étude de livres de moeurs, l’auteur décrit les deux trajectoires de la réglementation du sexe avant le mariage. Il explique comment elles furent intimement liées aux différences nationales en matière de réglementation de la compétition sociale, de l’équilibre de pouvoir entre les classes, du sexe et des générations, et enfin du niveau d’intégration sociale de ces nations., This process-sociological study compares developments since the 1880s, when in Dutch and American good societies, courtship activities were under strict parental control. It outlines the emancipation of younger people from parental dominance, via the dating system in the USA, in the Netherlands through verkering (an informalised ‘engagement’similar to ‘going steady’), and through the diffusion of parental policies of staying ‘in the scene’. From 1945 to 1965, as ‘going steady’increased in the USA, the two national trajectories converged. However, after the sexual revolution the traditional taboo on sex before marriage remained dominant in the USA, but it reduced dramatically in the Netherlands as Dutch parents increasingly allowed teenagers to have sex, even at home. Drawing from sexology research and his study of manners books, Wouters describes the two trajectories in the regulation of premarital sexuality and explains how they are connected to national differences in the regulation of social competition, the balances of power between classes, genders and generations, and levels of social integration., El objetivo de este estudio es comparar la evolución del proceso sociológico de las “buenas” sociedades neerlandesa y estadounidense desde los años 1880, cuando las costumbres para hacer la corte se encontraban aún bajo el estricto control de los padres. Este estudio describe de qué manera el sistema de “citas” en Estados Unidos, y el de “verkering” (un “compromiso” informal análogo a aquel de “salir juntos”) en los Países Bajos, así como la propagación de nuevas directrices parentales para “estar al tanto”, permitieron a los jóvenes emanciparse de la dominación de sus padres. Cuando, entré 1925 y 1935, el concepto de “salir juntos” tomó importancia en Estados Unidos, las trayectorias de estos dos países convergieron. Sin embargo, es necesario anotar que después de la revolución sexual, el tabú tradicional del sexo antes del matrimonio volvió a ser dominante en Estados Unidos, mientras que éste disminuía drásticamente en los Países Bajos, cuando los padres neerlandeses autorizaban cada vez más a sus adolescentes a tener relaciones sexuales, inclusive el bajo su propio techo. Apoyándose en investigaciones en sexología, así como también en estudios de costumbres, el autor describe las dos trayectorias de la reglamentación del sexo antes del matrimonio. Explica cómo éstas estaban íntimamente relacionadas con las diferencias nacionales en materia de reglamentación de la competencia social, del equilibrio del poder entre las clases, del sexo y de las generaciones e, igualmente, del nivel de integración social de estas naciones.