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We present a geometric classification of all spherically symmetric spacetimes that could result from singularity regularization, using a kinematic construction that is both exhaustive and oblivious to the dynamics of the fields involved. Due to the minimal geometric assumptions underlying it, this classification encompasses virtually all modified gravity theories, and any theory of quantum gravity in which an effective description in terms of an effective metric is available. The first noteworthy conclusion of our analysis is that the number of independent classes of geometries that can be constructed is remarkably limited, with no more than a handful of qualitatively different possibilities. But our most remarkable result is that this catalogue of possibilities clearly demonstrates that the degree of internal consistency and the strength of deviations with respect to general relativity are strongly, and positively, correlated. Hence, either quantum fluctuations of spacetime come to the rescue and solve these internal consistency issues, or singularity regularization will percolate to macroscopic (near-horizon) scales, radically changing our understanding of black holes and opening new opportunities to test quantum gravity. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]